Moshing Mayhem ... Coming to Your Church Soon

For those of you who like to be set alight spiritually with church action songs, I’ve come across a real corker. Imagine the sights and sounds that might accompany this one:

*

God has such love, such love,

He lives in heaven above.

God is so big, so big,

bigger than a big fat pig.

We can have lots of fun

because of Jesus His Son.

I want to leap and bound

and just run around, around.

I going to jump and jump,

and tell all I bump.

I’m so happy, so happy,

I could mess my nappy.

I'm going to shout and shout,

like a lager lout.

You’ll get a clout

if you don’t jive about,

and with words inane

praise His name

till an absolute pain,

and then start over again.
*
If your church tries this one make sure a St. John Ambulance is present before it does. If you are of a nervous disposition or have an easily offended sense of taste I suggest you give church a miss that day. Now that’s something you can do that an all powerful God can’t: when the going really gets embarrassing, corny and tasteless, He, being omnipresent, just can’t slope off but has to stick around and endure it. Long-suffering God? You bet!

Moshe Pit Heaven

Ben's in there somewhere, but I'm damned if I can see him.

Damned? Surely he's not that bad?

(The above article was first published in the June 2001 edition of VNP)

Soul Searching

Rev. Randle J. Schmaltznegger, the ebullient American spiritual dynamo, counselor extraordinaire, evangelist supreme, recently ran a retreat for Christian leaders under the rubric: “Loosing your Heart and Soul to God: the Passion and the Intimacy”. But in a debacle that has been described by one rival American evangelist as the valley of the dry bones in reverse, Schmaltznegger's retreat leaders, having been relieved of their hearts and souls stormed out of their secluded Mid-West venue as the retreat turned into an attack, creating havoc in the surrounding area. As ever, an undaunted Schmaltznegger sussed the spiritual problem immediately and in a riposte stated firmly that “One of the leaders failed to claim the victory in his home life and allowed Satan to find a way into our retreat - this leader admitted to me that his son has a friend who once played with Pokemon cards”. Police using Abrams tanks, B52’s and tactical nuclear weapons, eventually brought the situation under control.

Danger, Evangelists at work: “Anyone seen our Lost Souls?”

(The above article was first published in the February 2004 edition of VNP)