I know some people are praying for me with my less than enthused reception to some aspects of evangelicalism, but save your prayers for a rather desperate prayer request which has just come to light. November's survey results have been returned from Schmaltznegger ministries inc., the organisation run by Rev Randle J Schmaltznegger, the ebullient American spiritual dynamo, counselor extraordinaire, evangelist supreme, and bigot-hearted Christian patriarch. Not a terrific response from VNP readers, mind you, but these are postmodern times so we can make it up as we go along.
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The survey has revealed a clear need for urgent prayer. Rev Schmaltznegger comments on the results: "Where ever I go I find there is a great thirst for an outpouring of God's Spirit and this survey proves it. People just want to know God's initimate touch. If questioned on the need for God's power today you cannot but say 'Yes!'. However, I was very burdened in the Spirit when I noticed that not all survey respondents answered 'yes' to all questions as they should have done. One person actually answered 'no' to one of the questions. I advise that person to make himself known so he can receive some Spirit filled counselling and I can lay my hands on him to receive the power of God and have his spiritual blockages unblocked. As a reader of VNP he could be holding up the whole work of God at VNP and this may explain why this blog is not receiving the rich blessing it so desperately needs."
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Clearly then, we have a deep spiritual need here at VNP that should be prayed about. Or alternatively we may have someone here who is just fed up with being blackmailed by manipulative spiritual demands that don't admit a negative response without incurring spiritual recrimination and therefore just wants to protest.
5 comments:
i imagine Jesus is at the right hand of God right now:
J: `oi - dad`
G: *mutters to self* `I'll smite you... you're not wearing your wwjd bracelet, I'll give your dog cancer...`
J: `GOD!!`
G: `Wha', wha', what? What my child?`
J: `You know Your appointed ministry yeah?`
G: `Ah, the catholic church...`
J: `No. THE appointed ministry...`
G: `Salvation Army?`
J: `Sally army?? no, they put you in a box - I mean VNP!`
G: `Oh yeah. THE appointed ministry`
J: `Well their prophetic surveys came back and there's someone down there who thinks `no` to something about them`
G: `No?? Do they know how holy VNP is? We've even given them Schmaltznegger - he's a reverend for your sakes!!`
J: `I know! What do we do? I ought to go down and give him a piece of my cross!`
G: `I can certainly see why you're so upset. As you know - all of my ministries over the years have had stricht policies against tolerance and free thinking`
J: `So bolt of lightening and an eternity of the place where people gnash their teeth in pain?`
G: `fuck it, who cares just get our helper to tell Schmaltznegger to convict this man in VNP`
J: *sulk* `you used to be about the plagues and floods`
G: `well we're post modern now... ah, speaking of which... Adolf - how's things?`
Heck Ben! That dialogue is about as cutting edge 'blaphemous' as the offending piece in 'Jerry Spinger: The Opera'! I'll have a crowd of holy joes outside the VNP offices screaming down hell and damnation if I don't censor that comment! Since I don't believe in censorship, there's only one thing for it: Meet you in hell Benvolio!!!
there comes a point where I'm so sarcastic and pedantic I don't really know what side I'm objecting to... except Ingsoc of course
Don’t worry Ben, in my opinion ‘Gerry Springer: the opera’ wasn’t blasphemy. It was not directed at God but at Springer’s show: bringing together the parodied Christ and Satan in the ‘Opera’ was comment on the practice of showcasing extreme, bizarre, unreal and irreconcilable differences. Springer’s show is not dissimilar to the spectacle of a roman circus. Besides, some people’s conception of Satan and God is not so far removed from that seen in the opera – the ‘blasphemy’ was directed towards these false notions of Christ. Jesus, in some Christian circles, has become such a domesticated feminized figure that an effeminate Christ in a nappy really says it all.
…developing that a little further… yes, I think your references to ‘strict policies against tolerance and frees speech’, being ‘given’ a piece of the cross and God being about plagues and floods does a good job of satirizing some people’s depiction of the Godhead.
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