Cut Me Some Slack

My church requires people applying for membership to go through a kind of informal interview with some well-respected church member like myself, who then brings a report to the church meeting. Sometimes I feel that there is something about this church membership business that I haven't twigged yet, and such were my feelings when I did my first and last church membership interview, an interview that turned out to be an absolute disaster. With the naive enthusiasm of a beginner I was hoping that my interviewee would not be a boring person - you know, sort of person who has worked as an assistant light switch operator all his life and keeps every issue of "Soup label collector's world". I'd much rather blow the church meeting away with a spiritual rags to riches report about a drug crazed street mugger of indeterminate species now awash with blessings in the Spirit.
Anyway, with a name like "Mr. Sebastian Horn of Great Twitchingham Hall" at least my interviewee sounded interesting. Lightning struck the teetering tower of the west wing as I made my way up the mile long overgrown drive of Mr. Horn's run down but very prestigious looking mansion. The clock struck 12 as I got to his front door, which seemed to sense my presence and creaked open of its own accord. The butler took my coat and then flew away with it.
"Good evening Mr. Horn" I said as I entered his cavernous hall.
"Good evening Mr. ReeveSSSSssss", he said, his reply tailing off into a hiss. "The name's HornSSSSsss actually, with an 's' on the end, just like yours. Can't you see I've got two of them?".
Mr. Horns described himself as a Stoker. "Coal?" I queried, "What, in these days of gas and electricity".
"Coal is not the only thing that makes a good roaring fire!" he said trying to suppress his smile as if endeavouring not to expose his teeth. Mr. Horns asked me if I smoked and I said that I did not. He said he always smoked. I then noticed wisps of smoke rising all round him.
"I've been trying to get into a church for a long while" he continued "and, I am sure, Mr. ReeveSSSsss, you can help me."
"Well I'll see”, I said. "Tell me about your conversion."
"Me and the Lord go back a long way. Great friends you know, he knows me well. But I haven't seen him for a bit. I tried to get hold of him a few years back and give him a proposition but I wasn't able to nail him down to anything."
I asked Mr. Horns what he saw himself contributing to church life.
"I have my own very effective three point sermon", he said as he gently fingered the funny looking pronged decoration on the end of his cast iron staff, "and I can't wait to use it!".
I informed Mr. Horns that the church needs to be in possession of all the facts before it can make a decision about his membership.
"Possession!" he snapped. "I quite like the sound of that! There'll be a plenty of that if I get my way". He went on to add: "Don't spend too much time deciding. I'm a bit short on time nowadays and I don’t want to wait until kingdom come. However, I'm sure someone of your calibre, Mr. ReeveSSSssss, will not disappointment me. If you succeed the world is mine to give; should you fail ...", Mr. Horns then gave a meaningful look at his staff and added, ".... you will find my three point sermons very convincing and to the point".

As I left I felt a strange tingling in the spine. Something about Mr. Horns gave me the creeps. The clock struck mid night as I passed through the door - where had all the time gone or had no time at all passed but very slowly? When I handed in my report to the good reverend gentleman who pasteurizes my church he seemed none too pleased.
"Well Mr. Reeve," grouched the good Rev. who, unlike the polite Mr. Horns, habitually addressed me in the singular, "I don't think we will be putting this report before the church". He obviously thought I had missed something important and I was never offered the job again. I don't know what the trouble was as Mr. Horns seemed as keen as any one I have met to get his place on the membership and do his bit and he clearly had the sort of resources to win friends and influence people. So keep an eye out for him in church; he is very distinguished looking - unlike the Devil, of course, who comes in disguise and is difficult to spot.